A.C. Brooke

Four years ago today, I had my first flashback. Last August, I talked about how my therapist offered a different lens to view my “traumaversary” through. This year, we didn’t have to have that conversation. As tumultuous as it’s been, had my trajectory not been altered in such a way, I don’t think I would feel the joy, excitement and peace I’ve felt more recently.

If I could give a roadmap to wellness, I would. Of course, I’m a huge advocate for bottom-up therapy, mindfulness, accessible healthcare, affordable housing, etc. But because mental health is such an intersectional—and individual—issue, I don’t think anyone could ever truly say, “Ok do ____ and you’ll feel better!”

But while working through some incredibly intense, painful things, it turns out that wasn’t what I needed. The biggest light for me was actually a dear friend who was living proof that you can actually get better. Going through old high school journals, I see how much I resigned myself to despair. What made that bearable was this belief that it’d all be over soon, anyway—I never saw myself getting old. That, or I would somehow accomplish something big enough to silence this belief that I wasn’t supposed to be here. I’m happy to say now that I genuinely like being alive—making a difference just enriches it!

I see a number of things in a different light now. Perhaps the most important, I genuinely believe peace is our true state of being, it just gets buried under all the trauma and yuck; and unfortunately, living in a world not conducive to producing (or encouraging) regulated nervous systems makes that harder to obtain.

I have a few mantras, but one of the more recent ones is to ‘wish for more’. I remember in the past while trying to treat PTSD, the word ‘manage’ came up over and over and over again—and it was super disheartening. “You’re saying this is the best I can ask for?” I’m really lucky I’ve crossed paths with people (including my therapist), data and philosophies that say, “Actually, no, it’s not.” It’s important to note I’m still very much a work in progress, but wow, what a year!

“But I’m in the trees, I’m in the breeze

My footsteps on the ground,

You’ll see my face in every place

But you can’t catch me now…”

“Can’t Catch Me Now” by Olivia Rodrigo