5 years in the making. Decades overdue.
After over half a decade, I’m excited to finally share my directorial debut, Paper Birds!
The 30 minute documentary follows my own journey recovering fragmented & somatic memories of suspected childhood sexual abuse (CSA), and the delayed onset of PTSD. At 19, I had what I then referred to as “a memory of a memory” resurface. I was hit with the sudden awareness that something had happened to me as a child. The thing is, I didn’t actually know what that something was. I could feel the violation in my body. I could sense the event written somewhere in my bones. It tied together so many dots I’d previously accepted as symptoms of an inherent defectiveness. But I didn’t have a narrative, the key details you feel forced to fork over when someone asks, “Well, what happened?”
Initially, I was convinced my grip on reality was slipping. But the more puzzle pieces that came up, and the more I dug online, I came to realize that not only was I not an anomaly, but that my experience was actually quite common amongst survivors and backed by science. But that led to another question: If there are so many stories like mine, why am I not hearing about it?
Of course, there are many incredible pieces amplifying the voices of survivors, and even ones that touch on recovered—or historically known as “repressed”—memories. But I couldn’t find one that explored what it’s like to be haunted by what you can’t “remember”. So, I set out to fill that gap.
About two years ago, I connected with Dr. Jim Hopper, a nationally recognized expert on psychological trauma from Harvard Medical School. He’s featured in the film as a consulting scholar, and I’ve had the honor of working with him to revise this project to ensure it aligns with research and remains trauma-informed. Of course, it isn’t perfect. I knew from the start I didn’t have the resources or emotional capacity to cover the subject material to the extent it deserves. But I also knew I could still do something. So, my hope is that this piece sparks a conversation and, more importantly, makes people like me finally feel a little seen.
I’ve been in trauma therapy for 3.5 years now, and while my self-portrait is one still wrapped in construction tape, the kind of warmth & safety I frequently feel now is beyond what I ever had the capacity to dream of not too long ago. I like to believe that living a life increasingly characterized by peace, joy & connection is something possible for each and every one of us. But I also know that I’m incredibly privileged, and systemic barriers run deep. My hope—both personally & professionally—is to exist in a way that makes that reality more accessible for all. I hope Paper Birds contributes to that in its own small way.
I’d never be able to properly express my gratitude, but to everyone who made this project possible, thank you. If you’d like to learn more about the project, you can visit projectpaperbirds.com. For more information about trauma, memory & the brain, you can visit Jim’s website at jimhopper.com.
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